i dare you to disappoint

Read time: 3.5 minutes

hello dear,

today’s newsletter is required reading if you suffer or have suffered from any of the following conditions:

• struggling to say “no”

• feeling guilty when you say “no”

• doing other people’s work for them

• taking the blame when it’s not your fault

• pretending to agree in order to avoid conflict

• feeling responsible for how other people feel

• prioritizing approval from others over yourself

• neglecting your own needs to do things for others

• saying “i’m sorry” all the time aka over-apologizing

• making excuses for everything aka over-explaining

• being hyper-vigilant to what people think about you

• struggling to recognize your own wants, needs, & boundaries

if you relate to any of the above, you my dear friend, like me, suffer from the commonly known condition of people-pleasing.

you’re far from alone.

49% of americans self-describe as a people-pleaser.

but seems like a lot of us are in denial of this because in that same yougov poll in 2022, 92% of amercians said they somewhat or very often do common people-pleasing behaviors.

i know this is most of you dear readers from my poll 2 weeks ago.

84% of you shared that you struggle with saying no.

today we’re diving into the price we pay for pleasing others

people-pleasing is selfish

let’s start by with a definition of people-pleasing:

“when we suppress & repress our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings & opinions to put others ahead of ourselves so that we can gain attention, affection, validation, approval & love. or we do it to avoid conflict, criticism, additional stress, disappointments, loss, rejection, & abandonment.”

notice in the above how people-pleasing is very self-focused. you’re doing it for you even though you think you’re doing it for them.

this is not the same as helping others.

truly helping others is self-less.

brené brown, an expert researcher & storyteller on this subject, highlights how people-pleasing is grounded in the belief that your worthiness is dependent on other people telling you that you’re worthy. 

people-pleasing is a symptom of low self-worth.

a symptom accompanied by dangerous side effects of more anxiety, more stress, less willpower, less authenticity, & weaker relationships.

good girl conditioning

breaking free from the chains of people-pleasing is tough because it often stems from deep-seated fears of rejection.

people-pleasing is a coping mechanism developed as a trauma response.

with pathological people-pleasers teetering on the edge of codependency.

we stay in this people-pleasing trap because it's comfy & pretty widely encouraged by society, especially true for females with what the holistic psychologist calls our “good girl” conditioning.

we’re trained to be nice, which teaches us that:

• we can’t say “no”

• we can’t talk back

• we should always have an excuse

• our emotions shouldn’t be expressed

• we should be nice even if it means lying

• our goal in life is to be liked by everyone

• our needs don’t matter as much as others

• our feelings & thoughts are best repressed

yikes! yikes! yikes!

these are extremely dangerous beliefs that we must rewire. pronto!

we desperately need to stop this because:

life’s BIG ask

thankfully brené brown created the perfect framework for this called living BIG. it’s an acronym for:

• Boundaries: get clear on what’s acceptable & what’s not for you, then hold these boundaries (link article)

• Integrity: be whole, honest, & authentic to your values every day in action, not just in theory or by looking at them on your vision board.

• Generous: be generous with your intentions towards others & your assumptions of others, believing that we’re all doing our best.

living BIG is how you respect yourself & teach others to respect you.

you’re taking responsibility for your happiness while releasing responsibility for other’s happiness.

you will disappoint others.

you will be misunderstood.

this is a BIG ask for many, so remember you can start small by saying no to little things, practicing with loved ones, & changing how you think.

the heart of this comes down to you believing you are truly worthy.

because you are!

once you really deep down believe this, you will experience the greatest irony of approval seeking. once you stop chasing other’s approval, you’re way more likely to receive it.

your confidence in you gives others confidence in you.

and if you remember nothing else, remember this lesson from vanessa van edwards at the science of people.

what’s making me merry: JÜJ

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my dear friend, meg gerber is a functional gut health dietitian that created the most divine digestive bitters brand — JÜJ.

i love spiking my ginger sparkling water with a few drops of cranbiscus flavor before a big meal.

what i love even more is that she’s offering y’all 10% off your order.

make your bevvy better for your belly!

your self-worth isn’t a group project,

p.s. i’d love to understand you better for next week’s issue. will you pretty please answer this poll?